Incertitude

It's just me or it is just really hard to know what you exactly want?

There are lots of things that need intricate mechanism, uneasy-annoying systems. But as human, whether we hate it or love it, we have to go through those systems to be in the society.

In our society, there is an education system stated that at the very young age--mostly around high school, 16-18--we have to decide what we are going to be in the next 5, 10 years. A professor?  Teacher? Doctor? Celebrity? Detective? Police Officer? Cashier? Waitress? Nothing? You have to figure it out, soon, because the it's time and you don't have forever.

Of course, the system want us to choose what we want to be as soon as possible so we can extend our carrier as wide as possible. So we settle soon enough. But nothing is perfect, so does the system. It of course has its flaws.

We are young. We are careless. We want to be free. Doing things that we like, making mistakes, trying another things and another mistakes. We are not yet figure out who we are, now you ask us to to figure out how I'd like to settle? How am I suppose to know? I can't just go by trial-and-error on my lifetime settlement right? It has to be right, it has to be perfect.

At this time, I thought a lot, that most of young generations are confused. We want to be a good person -make our parents proud, get decent school, someday settle to a good life- but at the same time we want to do what we are doing, what we likes. Just experimenting. So when you ask what one job we want to be, when the question 'what do you want to be?' 'which school you want to get into?' it's pretty hard to answer. It feels like, if I we answered it with one job all this things we've done is just a delusion. Like it doesn't matter at all, all the things we've put or struggle on, means nothing. Because as soon as we answer this question, we hate to take a deep breath, take a step back, and run even sprint for that job. We have competitors, we can't loose our ambition and motivation, and all. It's sometimes, just too much to even think of.

Sometimes I feel like I want to answer that one simple question. But then I look at my surrounding, I look through my memories and my past. My childhood dreams and my dreams now as teenager. I don't want to just stuck at one job forever. I want to be in lots of profession, but that's surely impossible. So I have to choose. The choosing is the hardest part.  Which job you could possibly pursue and which one you couldn't. Which job would make your family proud and which one wouldn't. Which job would make you settle and which job wouldn't. But the most important thing is.. which job would make you happy the most? Even doing it everyday for the rest of your life would not be a matter at all. You have to be careful to choose.

You never know whether you choose it out of passion or just because you don't want to leave your comfort zone.

Blessings

"Count more on your blessings rather than your burdens"

Every single second we spent in our life, waking up every morning knowing that you still have a day to be lived even though the rest of your life has been nothing but hell, is such a blessing. 

Knowing that God still given this day ahead of you, knowing that you are surrounded by people you loved, knowing that you are still free to be whoever you want to be is the greatest thing ever. So cherish it! 

You never know when will God take them away. You never know when will God take people you love, your parents, your sisters or brothers, your boyfriend or girlfriend. You just never know. 

You never know either when will God take you away. Or the freedom you have.

You may not realized yet, that even though your life feels like hell, you still have freedom and that you still capable of being whoever you want if you strong enough to believe and live it. Because you are blessed.

If you read this right now, it means you still have internet connection to access this. Showing that your parents clearly not in a poor condition or that they're some sort of masochist who like to martyr you or worse, taking away your freedoms.

You may never imagine it but there are people out there who has no freedom upon several condition. Either people take way their freedom or situation make them lost their freedom. 

People in war arena, people in poverty, people in several other situation I can't imagined of. 

So, I know post is shitty, but I just want you to know that you  are given this life because you are strong enough to live it. And that you're young and you still have freedom to be whoever you want to be. just breath, believe and live it. You are capable of being everything you want to be if you set your heart to it. Believe me, you are blessed.

You Are Worthy.

11-12-13. Pretty number right? That's the date of today. People said it's so pretty, I said it's just a regular day. For me, it's not the date of calendar that makes your day special, it's how you live it, how you make your day special. Just like you. But..

You're disgusting.

Ugly.

A failure.

Loveless. 

Worthless.

Friendless.

Pathetic.

Nothing.

Sometimes, those feeling come to you. It stays in your heart for a long time, it consumes your heart that you feel so insecure. Why am I so ugly? Why God created with such an unattractive face? Why dont people love me? Why is it always about her? The one who has perfect eyes, perfect smile, perfect body whose everyone love though she sometimes act too bitchy? Why am I so pathetic? I have no friends, no lover, no life. Why am I nothing? I have nothing that could make everyone accept me, not my face nor my life. It's all just so flat, uninteresting. 

It seems like everyone tend to judge me. Judge my unbearable pimples. Judge my fat body. Judge my silly behavior. Judge my flat life. Even they judge the books that I read, the movie that I watch, the people who I idolize. Judge me. Just judge. They never stop judge me. They make me fall even deeper into my insecurities hole. Soo deep that I cant even breath, so deep that I cant even see anything at all but sadness. All I see is my sad pathetic life. Nobody loves me, not even me. I hate myself.

NO. 

Tentang Mimpi.

Apa mimpimu?

Mimpi. Siapa sih yang nggak punya mimpi? Semua orang pasti punya mimpi. Gua punya mimpi.. Dan gua yakin, elo juga pasti punya mimpi. Tapi kadang, saat gua mikirin tentang mimpi gua, gua galau.. Gua takut gua nggak sanggup ngeraih mimpi itu. Gua takut, mimpi gua yang tinggi banget itu nggak bisa gua capai, dan gua bakal jatuh, terpuruk, nggak tau gimana harus bangkit. Gua takut juga ngecewain kedua orangtua gua yang udah rela banting tulang pagi-malem buat bantu gua, support gua ngeraih mimpi gua. Apalagi akhir-akhir ini.. Gua liat temen-temen gua yang lain udah semakin deket dengan mimpi mereka. Nggak "sedeket itu" sih, tapi..deket. 

Mereka dapet nilai yang bagus, bakal memudahkan mereka ngewujudin mimpi. Kenapa? Karena nilai-nilai itu bakal masuk ke nilai rapor dan nilai rapor itu dipake sebagai pertimbangan masuk universitas, which mean kalo nilai mereka bagus = nilai rapor bagus = masuk universitas gampang = semakin dekat dengan mimpi. Sedagkan gua? Masih galau dan belom bisa move on dari nilai kimia gua yang ancurnya, audzubillah. Bayangin kalo lo dapet nilai dibawah KKM sedangkan temen-temen lo dapet nilai 8, 9, malah ada yang dapet nilai 97.

Mereka sering banget ikut lomba, entah sering menang atau nggak, tapi mereka sering ikut dan gua yakin, walaupun hanya sekali mereka pernah menang lomba. Banyak banget temen-temen gua yang sering ikut lomba yang sesuai sama cita-citanya, yang pengen masuk STAN sering ikut lomba matematika, yang pengen masuk kedokteran sering ikut lomba kimia, biologi, atau lomba PMR/yang berhubungan dengan kedokteran lainnya. Padahal semakin kita sering emnang lomba + semakin punya banyak piagam = semakin tambah nilai kita di mata universitas = makin gampang masuk = makin deket sama mimpi. Lah gua? Sering sih ikut lomba, lomba debat, and I admit it went really great and I enjoyed it so much since I have passion on debating, but I never win, and I don't know will I ever win. Dan lagipula sebenernya lomba debat itu nggak ada hubungannya sama jurusan yang pengen gua ambil, tapi entah, mungkin Allah punya ajlan yang lebih indah buat gue :')

Terus gua kudu gimana? Gua berkali-kali mikirin tentang mimpi gua, tentang apa yang udah gua perbuat buat ngewujudin mimpi gua, tapi..gua merasa nol. Gua merasa bener-bener nggak pernah berusaha, gua cuman bilang "ash, gampang, ntar juga kelar kerjaannya" tapi gua nggak bener-bener ngelarin kerjaan itu dengan sepenuh setanga, gua takut.. gau takut usaha gua yang belom maksimal itu bakal ngasih efek ke hasil akhir gua buat ngeraih mimpi gua. Gua takut, mimpi gua juga jadi setengah-setengah hasilnya.

Ngeraih mimpi udah kayak ngeraih tangga ke surga ye?

Worth.

"People often think that the best thing depends on its worth."

Great quote, eh? I found that qoute while doing my final test of this semester, on English subject. It's actually a moral value of a narrative about a princess who want to prove her father, the King, that salt is also something important in life.

Well, reading that quote makes me think about lots of things in this world. About how people usually think about something, about people itself. They think the best thing is the worth one, the best people is the exist or popular one.  That's all w.r.o.n.g! That's all bullshit! That mindset make another people suffering! WHY?

1. It could create bullying

          
       Imagine it! You think that a person will be worth if he/she is popular, if he/she is handsome/beautiful. and then people who has mindset like that won't be 'usual person' that's not popular, that's not even handsome/beautiful, that would create sort of social level. Like 'the popular people' level and 'the usual people' level, and then the popular one will bully the usual one because the popular think that the usual one doesn't worth, or they don't even deserve to live in the world, that the popular should  rules the world because they're worth! (okay, this  is a bit too much, I'm soo lebay-_-) but yeah, that's he worst.

2. It could bring pressure towards another people, and make the depressed

              
        Okay, I'll just use Indonesian, (I know I'm soo labil, but the I realize that my english is just very very sucks) and gua bakal curhat (dikit doang!) tentang yang satu inih. Soo, kalo misalnya orang yang kena bully sama orang-orang popular itu, pasti kan ya orang biasa itu bakal ngerasa depresi frustasi dan stres begonoh. Bahkan, orang yang nggak di bully pun kalo mentalnya nggak kuat bakal ngerasa depresi karena semua orang yang dikenalnya selalu aja mandang dia iu nggak berharga cuman gara-gara dia nggak cantik lah, dia nggak kaya lah, dia nggak dapet ranking yang bagus lah di sekolahnya (*jeleb) ato alasan apapun. 

But yeah, FYI, gua pernah baru aja negrasain ini, pengalaman pribadi gau tentang rapor gua tentang orangtua gua yang bertubi-tubi komplain  ke gua gara-gara nilai gua hancur bagaikan butiran debu:" jadi yah (yah jadinya malah curhat), gua kan abis ngikut program semacam pertukaran pelajar gitu ke Palembang selama 2 minggu, dan pas gua balik, 10 hari kemudian langsung UAS. Gua stres. Gua punya banyak susulan tugas dan ulangan, gua ketinggalan pelajaran, dan honestly I don't really studying in this bloody semester! So, gua panik, gua nggaktau kudu piye, yang jelas gua nggak mau nyerver. Gua cuman bisa berusaha semampu gua (gua nggak ngoyo, gua bukan bureng, gua buru nilai bagus) walaupun sebenernya itu santai sih belajarnya, selama 1 minggu UAS, gua tambah stres karena gua nggak bsia ngerjain soal-soal UAS itu properly, liat nilai pas seminggu abis UAS, gua makin gila mikirin nilai rapor, dan BOOM! Puncaknya adalah tanggal 22 Desember 2012. Pembagian rapor. Gua stres frustasi depresi, nggaktau kudu piye, gua dapet ranking terjelek dalam 16 tahun hidup gua, gua dapet nilai terjelek dalam hidup gua  (walaupun sebenernya gua cukup bangga sama nlai matematika gua karena gua nggak pernah ngumpulin tugas tapi tetep bisa lulus KKM), gua sakit hati, nggak cuman sama nilainya, tapi juga sama gurunya, ada lah salah satu pelajaran yang gua udah kejar banget nilainya biar nilai gua kagak ngenes-ngenes amit, tapi teteup aja nilai gua jelek, sama kayak salah satu nilai gua yang bahkan tugas pun nggak gua kumpulin, ulangan pun nggak gua kerjain. Gua sakit. Lebih sakit lagi karena mengetahui kenyataan bahwa ada orang-orang yang *sorry, bukan maksud nyinggung atau bongkar aib* menurut gua kurang  lazim mendapat peringkat di atas gua, but yeah dunia keras, keras banget ke gua kali ini, they're magically punya ranking diatas posisi ranking gua! 

Knowing that ranking gua anjur lebur kayak bubur, orangtua langsung komplain, marah-marah ke gua karena nilai gua yang jelek, my parents have the mindset that the best thing depends on its worth! I've tried to explain them but they won't understand, but then.. I opened one secret about a server cheating at school, and they finally can understand, that the best thing of school is not JUST having good marks, but also having a good personality, loyality,  commitment, and your own brain to get your shiny star of life. 

Oke, sekian curhatan saya, lebay, absurd, nggak jelas, annoying, nyampah, sorry, kcaw~