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The more I think about it, the more I realize that I am a selfish bitch.

When I was younger (well it was only 3 years ago but, still) I always wanted to get out from home. Because I want to live with my own. My own things, my own rules, my own freedom. The thing is, I still expect my parents to fulfill my needs. And so I chose to get out of town, starting college in the different city where my family lives.

I start everything easily, simply because I enjoy it. I enjoy the freedom, the vibes, the feel to meet new environment, new people. I also enjoy the consequence of it, the lonesome, boredom, and feeling of having such big responsibility on your shoulder. Everything was exciting.

And so I take more and more opportunities.

Going here and there.

Joining this and that.

Because what I believe is, I am young, I should taste every single thing in this world, and my parents have all the resources that I need. All I need to do is ask, because their job is to support me. So I taste everything laid upon me. I go everywhere it offers me to go.

That I sometimes forget to even come back home.

Once a week? Never.
Once a month? Probably.

Until somehow, I found this video about sacrificial. There is one person saying "my sacrificial is probably my time with family as I was away". Somehow, it hits me hard. I never really thought that going away from your family is a sacrifice. I never thought that your family will feel like they are being sacrificed, because all I know is that they will always support you and be there for you. And it's true.

The thing is, I feel like I took my family for granted all this year.

I want them to always support me, fulfill my need, be there for me. But I even rarely go home and see their faces? Hear their story? Or even cook for my Dad? Help my Mom clean the house?

Shit, I am a selfish bitch.
I want them to be there when I need them, but I never really think how would I help them when they need me.

I should have done better. I should do better.

Home is not only a place where you can find comfort when the world you're fighting with is too strong. Home is a place where you build comfort by always giving and not only asking. Family is not only a bunch of people you're destined to live with. Family is a bunch of people that will fight the world for your happiness, and you should do the same for them. Even if you want to conquer the world for yourself, your family is having their own fight somehow that you cannot neglect. You need to help them fight, while at the same time you are fighting for your own. Help them building your home, and at them same time you are building your own palace.

I know that I am young, and I deserve to taste every single experience in the world. But my family has the same right too, tasting me. Tasting my affection and time.

Go home.
Even if you feel like you want to run from it.
Even if you feel like the opportunities out the is more tantalize.
Because at the end, you will go back where you came from. And before it's too late, show your family that you care by going home.

you know that moment when you just feel so vulnerable,
and you just afraid to step out into the world?

because the moment you step out,
the moment the world touch your soul,
the moment people put their eyes on you,

you will just shattered.

so you decided to stay on your own little world,
trying to be safe
no matter how lonely it might seem.

Alis Volat Propriis

Alis volat propriis. A beautiful syllable came from Greek, meaning she flies with her own wings. A strong word, describe a strong, beautiful, smart, independent woman...or girl. 

The more I live every single day, the more I understand things..or so I thought. 

I know now that you don't have to do things same with other people, you can be different. You can do whatever you want with the way you want, or be whoever you want, everything depends on you. 

Because that person who you follow won't be as inspiring for you forever. That person won't be the same forever, he will just gradually change and sometimes, that changes make the differences you have with him more distinct. That shows you how you're actually different with anyone. That you have your own identity as human, you have your own perspective on seeing the world and facing problems, and so you have your own way to overcome those problems. That ways might not be the same with anyone else you know, simply because you are different with them. Because you are you.

You don't have to do thing with someone, you can do with without anyone, alone.

Worth?

Sometimes, I wonder if I’m really worthy.

Worthy for everything, worthy for anyone.

Am I worthy for someone fighting for me, or waiting for me, or simply care for me?

Because I don’t think I am.

I am just a pile of junk covered by flesh and skin, no more than that.

I don't have those shining-holy spirit in me, all I have is my swearing words, my insecurities and my low self-esteem.

I never know if people care for me, really care for me.

Sometimes, I think they never care about me but then I look back and see how much they put effort in me.

Maybe it's just me who’s too selfish for not seeing that.

Maybe that’s me who’s too self-centered for being a bitch that I want all attention I can get

Maybe it’s my fault that I have low self esteem, that I don’t have any value in me.

Or is it people that makes me feel this way?

People who constantly pushing, pressing, and ignoring me?

Or is it me who constantly pushing people away?

My fault or their fault?
Maybe I'm just depressed by default.

Happy New Year 2015

IT'S 2015 BIAAATCH!!

whoops sorry for the language, I guess I'm just getting to excited having a new year ahead me.

2014. Long-torturing-great-year. I had my senior year that year, I had my national exam, I had my uni acceptance exam, I had breakdown, I had insecurities haunting me, but I get through that. I fought, I rose up, I finally get into uni. I met new friend, had new-crazy-silly-amazing experience, had my twin-sister-that-stuck-in-Australian-girl-body back, I had amazing time. Fyuh, long list of what I've been through the whole year. But from that I learn of life. I learn of acceptance. I learn that I can't always get what I want, that beyond the great failure I was  facing there's still even the greatest meaning out of all of that. I learn something. And for that I'm grateful. I'm grateful for what I had and what I did. I'm ready to start another life journey in 2015. HAPPY NEW YEAR! MAY GOD BLESS US AND BE WITH US THROUGH THE YEAR!!