Alis Volat Propriis

Alis volat propriis. A beautiful syllable came from Greek, meaning she flies with her own wings. A strong word, describe a strong, beautiful, smart, independent woman...or girl. 

The more I live every single day, the more I understand things..or so I thought. 

I know now that you don't have to do things same with other people, you can be different. You can do whatever you want with the way you want, or be whoever you want, everything depends on you. 

Because that person who you follow won't be as inspiring for you forever. That person won't be the same forever, he will just gradually change and sometimes, that changes make the differences you have with him more distinct. That shows you how you're actually different with anyone. That you have your own identity as human, you have your own perspective on seeing the world and facing problems, and so you have your own way to overcome those problems. That ways might not be the same with anyone else you know, simply because you are different with them. Because you are you.

You don't have to do thing with someone, you can do with without anyone, alone.

Worth?

Sometimes, I wonder if I’m really worthy.

Worthy for everything, worthy for anyone.

Am I worthy for someone fighting for me, or waiting for me, or simply care for me?

Because I don’t think I am.

I am just a pile of junk covered by flesh and skin, no more than that.

I don't have those shining-holy spirit in me, all I have is my swearing words, my insecurities and my low self-esteem.

I never know if people care for me, really care for me.

Sometimes, I think they never care about me but then I look back and see how much they put effort in me.

Maybe it's just me who’s too selfish for not seeing that.

Maybe that’s me who’s too self-centered for being a bitch that I want all attention I can get

Maybe it’s my fault that I have low self esteem, that I don’t have any value in me.

Or is it people that makes me feel this way?

People who constantly pushing, pressing, and ignoring me?

Or is it me who constantly pushing people away?

My fault or their fault?
Maybe I'm just depressed by default.

Happy New Year 2015

IT'S 2015 BIAAATCH!!

whoops sorry for the language, I guess I'm just getting to excited having a new year ahead me.

2014. Long-torturing-great-year. I had my senior year that year, I had my national exam, I had my uni acceptance exam, I had breakdown, I had insecurities haunting me, but I get through that. I fought, I rose up, I finally get into uni. I met new friend, had new-crazy-silly-amazing experience, had my twin-sister-that-stuck-in-Australian-girl-body back, I had amazing time. Fyuh, long list of what I've been through the whole year. But from that I learn of life. I learn of acceptance. I learn that I can't always get what I want, that beyond the great failure I was  facing there's still even the greatest meaning out of all of that. I learn something. And for that I'm grateful. I'm grateful for what I had and what I did. I'm ready to start another life journey in 2015. HAPPY NEW YEAR! MAY GOD BLESS US AND BE WITH US THROUGH THE YEAR!!

(Newbie) Solo-ist

hi again. Kali ini gue posting dari kota yang berbeda dari tempat tinggal gue, dari tempat gue biasanya post things. Yep, hari ini I moved in to my new dorm. Yep, gue kuliah di kota berbeda. Yep, kota itu Solo.

Setelah perjuangan panjang pencarian tempat kuliah, akhirnya gue ditakdirkan masuk ke kampus kakak gue dulu, UNS. Beda jurusan sih, but still. That's why gue tinggal di dorm, jauh dari orangtua, sendirian. Not really, di dorm yang gue tempatin sekarang, gue barengan sama temen dan kakak kelas gue waktu SMA, so I'm not alone after all.

Hari ini, gue naik prameks (prambaranan ekspress), kereta yang menghubungkan kota Yogyakarta dan Solo, untuk pertama kalinya..dan sendirian. Pagi-pagi gue bangun, siap-siap dan dianter bapak ke Stasiun Tugu. Beli tiket seharga 6000 dan gue ditinggal pulang. I'm all alone, nunggu  selama satu jam setengah, kaya orang ilang. Gue nggak tau apa yang harus dilakukan, gue bahkan gatau gue harus nunggu dimana. Gue cuman duduk lesehan di depan konter tiket kereta sambil baca novel. Absolute homeless-alike.

Begitu Mas Danang telpon, gue baru ngeh bahwa harusnya gue nunggu di peron. Maka jalanlah gue menuju konter pemerikasaan tiket, salah masuk, terus pergi ke koonter pemerikasaan tiket yang bener. Masuk Peron. Duduk dan baca novel lagi kaya sebelumnya.

Setelah nunggu for good 30 minutes, akhirnya kereta dateng. Gue tetep nggak tahu kudu gimana. Ngikutin arus, gue cuman asal-asal naik kereta aja dan untungnya, begitu nyampe di Stasiun Maguwoharjo, gue dapet tempat duduk di kereta. Gue kembali duduk sambil baca novel. Menikmati setiap keributan yang terjadi saat kereta berhenti di stasiun-stasiun lain. Kereta ini berangkat jam 10.30 jadi harusnya nyampe Solo jam 11.40.

Begitu jam menunjukkan pukul 11.30, kereta berhenti di sebuah stasiun. Rombongan pun berbondong-bondong turun. Gue ikutan berdiri dan bersiap turun, melihat jam dan agak kaget "Kok lebih cepet 10 menit? Emang bisa?" Karena nggak yakin, gue memberanikan diri tanya ke mas-mas samping gue, "Mas, ini Solo Balapan bukan ya?" "Bukan. Itu liat aja rutenya." Dan gue pun liat rute. Bego. Kenapa ga liat dari awal? Untungnya gue nggak nyasar. Gue pun kembali pegangan, kali ini tempat duduk penuh, dan nunggu sampe Solo Balapan.

Kereta menurunkan kelajuannya, I'm getting anxious. I make it! Naik prameks pertama kali dan gue selamat! Gue pun turun dengan giddy nya, sempet teriak 'shit' dengan sedikit terlalu keras hingga mungkin mas-mas di belakang gue denger karena pas turun nggak ada tangga atau apapun. Gue loncat dari kereta.

Abis itu, gue cari ojek buat jalan ke kos, tapi berhubung gue masih newbie dan bego dan masih gampang dibodohi, pas ditawarin taksi, gue langsung terima. Nggak pake argo. Bego banget. Akhirnya kena 35k buat jalan dari stasiun ke kost yang mungkin cuman beberapa kilo.

Well, I am a new Solo-ist. Baru ngekos selama sehari. Baru naik prameks sekali. Dan nggak sabar buat petualangan gila yang asik.

Incertitude

It's just me or it is just really hard to know what you exactly want?

There are lots of things that need intricate mechanism, uneasy-annoying systems. But as human, whether we hate it or love it, we have to go through those systems to be in the society.

In our society, there is an education system stated that at the very young age--mostly around high school, 16-18--we have to decide what we are going to be in the next 5, 10 years. A professor?  Teacher? Doctor? Celebrity? Detective? Police Officer? Cashier? Waitress? Nothing? You have to figure it out, soon, because the it's time and you don't have forever.

Of course, the system want us to choose what we want to be as soon as possible so we can extend our carrier as wide as possible. So we settle soon enough. But nothing is perfect, so does the system. It of course has its flaws.

We are young. We are careless. We want to be free. Doing things that we like, making mistakes, trying another things and another mistakes. We are not yet figure out who we are, now you ask us to to figure out how I'd like to settle? How am I suppose to know? I can't just go by trial-and-error on my lifetime settlement right? It has to be right, it has to be perfect.

At this time, I thought a lot, that most of young generations are confused. We want to be a good person -make our parents proud, get decent school, someday settle to a good life- but at the same time we want to do what we are doing, what we likes. Just experimenting. So when you ask what one job we want to be, when the question 'what do you want to be?' 'which school you want to get into?' it's pretty hard to answer. It feels like, if I we answered it with one job all this things we've done is just a delusion. Like it doesn't matter at all, all the things we've put or struggle on, means nothing. Because as soon as we answer this question, we hate to take a deep breath, take a step back, and run even sprint for that job. We have competitors, we can't loose our ambition and motivation, and all. It's sometimes, just too much to even think of.

Sometimes I feel like I want to answer that one simple question. But then I look at my surrounding, I look through my memories and my past. My childhood dreams and my dreams now as teenager. I don't want to just stuck at one job forever. I want to be in lots of profession, but that's surely impossible. So I have to choose. The choosing is the hardest part.  Which job you could possibly pursue and which one you couldn't. Which job would make your family proud and which one wouldn't. Which job would make you settle and which job wouldn't. But the most important thing is.. which job would make you happy the most? Even doing it everyday for the rest of your life would not be a matter at all. You have to be careful to choose.

You never know whether you choose it out of passion or just because you don't want to leave your comfort zone.