Incertitude

It's just me or it is just really hard to know what you exactly want?

There are lots of things that need intricate mechanism, uneasy-annoying systems. But as human, whether we hate it or love it, we have to go through those systems to be in the society.

In our society, there is an education system stated that at the very young age--mostly around high school, 16-18--we have to decide what we are going to be in the next 5, 10 years. A professor?  Teacher? Doctor? Celebrity? Detective? Police Officer? Cashier? Waitress? Nothing? You have to figure it out, soon, because the it's time and you don't have forever.

Of course, the system want us to choose what we want to be as soon as possible so we can extend our carrier as wide as possible. So we settle soon enough. But nothing is perfect, so does the system. It of course has its flaws.

We are young. We are careless. We want to be free. Doing things that we like, making mistakes, trying another things and another mistakes. We are not yet figure out who we are, now you ask us to to figure out how I'd like to settle? How am I suppose to know? I can't just go by trial-and-error on my lifetime settlement right? It has to be right, it has to be perfect.

At this time, I thought a lot, that most of young generations are confused. We want to be a good person -make our parents proud, get decent school, someday settle to a good life- but at the same time we want to do what we are doing, what we likes. Just experimenting. So when you ask what one job we want to be, when the question 'what do you want to be?' 'which school you want to get into?' it's pretty hard to answer. It feels like, if I we answered it with one job all this things we've done is just a delusion. Like it doesn't matter at all, all the things we've put or struggle on, means nothing. Because as soon as we answer this question, we hate to take a deep breath, take a step back, and run even sprint for that job. We have competitors, we can't loose our ambition and motivation, and all. It's sometimes, just too much to even think of.

Sometimes I feel like I want to answer that one simple question. But then I look at my surrounding, I look through my memories and my past. My childhood dreams and my dreams now as teenager. I don't want to just stuck at one job forever. I want to be in lots of profession, but that's surely impossible. So I have to choose. The choosing is the hardest part.  Which job you could possibly pursue and which one you couldn't. Which job would make your family proud and which one wouldn't. Which job would make you settle and which job wouldn't. But the most important thing is.. which job would make you happy the most? Even doing it everyday for the rest of your life would not be a matter at all. You have to be careful to choose.

You never know whether you choose it out of passion or just because you don't want to leave your comfort zone.

Pinkie Promise

Thankyou, G for being wise and mature. For being supportive and unbelieveable. For being my dude and my friend. Thank you.

Blessings

"Count more on your blessings rather than your burdens"

Every single second we spent in our life, waking up every morning knowing that you still have a day to be lived even though the rest of your life has been nothing but hell, is such a blessing. 

Knowing that God still given this day ahead of you, knowing that you are surrounded by people you loved, knowing that you are still free to be whoever you want to be is the greatest thing ever. So cherish it! 

You never know when will God take them away. You never know when will God take people you love, your parents, your sisters or brothers, your boyfriend or girlfriend. You just never know. 

You never know either when will God take you away. Or the freedom you have.

You may not realized yet, that even though your life feels like hell, you still have freedom and that you still capable of being whoever you want if you strong enough to believe and live it. Because you are blessed.

If you read this right now, it means you still have internet connection to access this. Showing that your parents clearly not in a poor condition or that they're some sort of masochist who like to martyr you or worse, taking away your freedoms.

You may never imagine it but there are people out there who has no freedom upon several condition. Either people take way their freedom or situation make them lost their freedom. 

People in war arena, people in poverty, people in several other situation I can't imagined of. 

So, I know post is shitty, but I just want you to know that you  are given this life because you are strong enough to live it. And that you're young and you still have freedom to be whoever you want to be. just breath, believe and live it. You are capable of being everything you want to be if you set your heart to it. Believe me, you are blessed.

Secuil Cerita SBMPTN

WOYOOO APAKABAR SEMUANYA?! Alhamdulillah, otakku nggak konslet-konslet amat abis ngerjain soal SBMPTN.. Anyway mohon doanya ya my fellow readers (kaya punya readers aja sih), semoga saya bisa diterima di PTN dan Jurusan yang telah dipilih :")

Anyway, seperti biasanya..hari ini aku mau curhat..lagi..soal SBMPTN..

Jadi kan setelah perjuangan menahan hasrat buat nyelo selama sebulanan buat belajar, akhirnya SBM pun dilaksanakan hari ini. As expected, soalnya unpredictable dan cukup bikin mumet sampe keluar dari ruang ujian aja mules dan mual gabung jadi satu.

But bukan soal gimana kampretnya soal SBMPTN, tapi tentang teknisnya yang mau aku bahas disini. Tentang secuil kekecewaanku terhadap pengawas ujian yang mengawasi aku tadi (..dan beberapa cerita absurdku juga sih).

Jadi kan tadi aku tes di salah satu PTN ternama di kotaku, dan dalam 1 ruangan ada sekitar 4-5 pengawas. Awalnya semua berjalan lancar dan pengawas bekerja secara profesional, mulai dari membacakan peraturan sampai pengisian LJK, tanda tangan, pemeriksaan identitas, dan lain sebagainya. Sampai waktu ujian dimulai pun semuanya masih lancar dan tenang, tak ada sekelabat suara pun yang terdengar kecuali pikiran-pikiran pejuang SBM yang lagi menguras otak (lah kaya kedengeran aja).. hingga sampai di suatu titik dimana pengawas mulai lelah mengawasi kami, jadi mereka malah ngobrol sendiri. 

Sebenernya bukan apa-apa, cuman tadi aku merasa terganggu dengan dengungan obrolan pengawas yang hampir non-stop. Parahnya pengawas-pengawas itu ngobrolnya di sebelah tempat aku duduk. Dude, maksudku, I'm stress enough facing this biggest test ever and now you make noises which break my damn concentration? This test is my future, bro. 

Chill!

I have so many thing running through my mind. So much I can't even think of anything else. So much it makes me suffocate. So much it makes me break down.. then I cry.

Then I hate myself for crying, for being so weak, for being so not-grow-up, for being ungrateful, for being crying.

Then upon my crying I think about my past. About the things I have done. Have I achieve something or nothing at all?

Then all of the memories from my past just dancing along in my mind. All of it.

Now I have much more things to think and to feel.

It's more suffocating now.

Then somehow I stop thinking. Just stop.

I ask to myself "Why are you like this?"

My dominant answer "You're just overthinking. It give you more pressure than you already have. Chill. Having so much pressure is not good for your soul, you know."

I see my submissive answer "Yeah that's right. Gotta chill from now on!"