you know what hurts the most?

having someone stop caring for you.

sometimes, you just want someone who fights for you. because you've fight too many battles, and you've lost too much. and that makes you feel insecure. so you need to just have someone who fight for you, to make you feel you're worth something to fight for.


but even if there is not, you can still fight for yourself right?

of why you should do everything with passion and dedication. because if it's not, you will only torture your soul. and you victimize people around you.

Home

The more I think about it, the more I realize that I am a selfish bitch.

When I was younger (well it was only 3 years ago but, still) I always wanted to get out from home. Because I want to live with my own. My own things, my own rules, my own freedom. The thing is, I still expect my parents to fulfill my needs. And so I chose to get out of town, starting college in the different city where my family lives.

I start everything easily, simply because I enjoy it. I enjoy the freedom, the vibes, the feel to meet new environment, new people. I also enjoy the consequence of it, the lonesome, boredom, and feeling of having such big responsibility on your shoulder. Everything was exciting.

And so I take more and more opportunities.

Going here and there.

Joining this and that.

Because what I believe is, I am young, I should taste every single thing in this world, and my parents have all the resources that I need. All I need to do is ask, because their job is to support me. So I taste everything laid upon me. I go everywhere it offers me to go.

That I sometimes forget to even come back home.

Once a week? Never.
Once a month? Probably.

Until somehow, I found this video about sacrificial. There is one person saying "my sacrificial is probably my time with family as I was away". Somehow, it hits me hard. I never really thought that going away from your family is a sacrifice. I never thought that your family will feel like they are being sacrificed, because all I know is that they will always support you and be there for you. And it's true.

The thing is, I feel like I took my family for granted all this year.

I want them to always support me, fulfill my need, be there for me. But I even rarely go home and see their faces? Hear their story? Or even cook for my Dad? Help my Mom clean the house?

Shit, I am a selfish bitch.
I want them to be there when I need them, but I never really think how would I help them when they need me.

I should have done better. I should do better.

Home is not only a place where you can find comfort when the world you're fighting with is too strong. Home is a place where you build comfort by always giving and not only asking. Family is not only a bunch of people you're destined to live with. Family is a bunch of people that will fight the world for your happiness, and you should do the same for them. Even if you want to conquer the world for yourself, your family is having their own fight somehow that you cannot neglect. You need to help them fight, while at the same time you are fighting for your own. Help them building your home, and at them same time you are building your own palace.

I know that I am young, and I deserve to taste every single experience in the world. But my family has the same right too, tasting me. Tasting my affection and time.

Go home.
Even if you feel like you want to run from it.
Even if you feel like the opportunities out the is more tantalize.
Because at the end, you will go back where you came from. And before it's too late, show your family that you care by going home.

you know that moment when you just feel so vulnerable,
and you just afraid to step out into the world?

because the moment you step out,
the moment the world touch your soul,
the moment people put their eyes on you,

you will just shattered.

so you decided to stay on your own little world,
trying to be safe
no matter how lonely it might seem.